If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
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Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking