If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
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If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
Where is your GOD now????
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom