if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
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CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown