If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
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[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA