If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
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If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
Become ungovernable.
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”