If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
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Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
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Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”