If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
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brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer