If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
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I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*