If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
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I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
they finally got him. they got macavity
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
Try and stop me.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.