If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
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“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
Good news
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing