me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
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I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
When I laugh on my period
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon