@Bunnydurden: If you ever Google "Grandfather Clock", be careful how you spell that shit.
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@internetluke: [two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men's bathroom] Haha "What do we do?"
@zachreinert03: My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that's pretty cool
@captainkalvis: *uptown funk comes on* Guy: honey this HAS to be our first dance at our wedding Honey: lol I'm made by bees
@therealeatwood: [Ouija Board] Me: Spirit, answer this one question—do you like me? Board: R E A D 1 2 : 3 7 P M