If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
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Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
Thoughts