Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
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I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
The Backseat Boys
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.