Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
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If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
beware of dog
(jukin media)
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.