Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
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{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
When can I start eating bats again.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.