If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
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I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎