If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
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I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation