If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
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Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
No, YOUR illiterate.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.