if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
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Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
every college guy’s fridge
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful