@KenJennings: If you ever want to be bummed all day, think about how Jordan's national carrier is called "Royal Jordanian Airways" instead of "Air Jordan"
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@Scott_A_Gilmore: Today's lunch: Pan fried pork chops, cheesy hash brown casserole, peach cobbler, a quick defibrillation and two stents.
@HomeProbably: The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You're either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
@WarrenHolstein: Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God's plan. God must not like her very much.
@jackiembouvier: If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.