i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
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My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
We all have our pet causes.
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
I’m literally crying
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
Me buying fruit and veg
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.