If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
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Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.