If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
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[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
the three genders
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.