[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
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Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
bury ourselves
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord