@grimpossible: If you fall down in public the best thing to do is stay down, use your fingernails to dig your way to another country then start a new life.
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@NicestHippo: WIFE: I can't take it anymore. Your incorrect use of idioms is tearing us apart! ME [taking her hand]: Cat got your tongue?
@jazmasta: *Adobe update puts on fake moustache and glasses* Hi, my name is iOS 7, would you like to download updates?
@joejwest: [deathbed] ME: Give me that sword & I'll haunt it when I die SON: I made this [hands me cake] ME: No! [dies] CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it