@grimpossible: If you fall down in public the best thing to do is stay down, use your fingernails to dig your way to another country then start a new life.
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@adamrensch: People always say "Wow, your baby looks so much like you," as though it's supposed to defy genetics & look exactly like a coffee mug.
@Spaced_Cowboy00: I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
@TheToxicWaster: Lindsay Lohan says she can't walk down the street without men chasing her. They're drug dealers Lindsay pay your debts..
@KelFocker: A homeless guy asked me for 50 cents for a sandwich. I said, "First let me see the sandwich."