[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
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Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
Dishonest mechanic?
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.