Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
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Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.