If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
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Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
When your best mate counts as a desk too
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.