Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
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Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
So sick of all these stupid rules
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”