@stacetoned: If you feel like someone is playing mind games with you, they totally are and you should kill them before they kill you.
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@T_N_Crumpets: Wife holding bank statement: What's this payment? Me: we're sponsoring a panda! W: so is this monthly? M: No, it's just for the one skydive
@jjhartinger: I don't really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
@JessObsess: My husband won't let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn't want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
@david8hughes: "Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh." "Ha, yeah ok." [swaps suits] "Now we sh-" "You took a shit in this, didn't you?"