Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
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I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
Netflix and awkward silence?
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
Who says great literature is dead?
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.