I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
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Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
Pee pressure > peer pressure
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!