I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
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*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
Very good news from my accountant
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.