*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
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Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”