If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
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banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised