If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
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My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
“You’d better run, egg!”
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult