If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
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Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
Whisper out to librarians!
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
don’t be scared
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now