If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
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Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”