If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
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My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
But wait…
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES