@KalvinMacleod: Genie: 1st wish ME: I wish for a pen G: #2 M: another pen G: wtf M: I already lost the 1st pen G: and ur 3rd M: ur not going to believe this

@Epygma: [Dads birthday] "Make a wish Dad" *Dad blows out candles *Looks around *Looks @ wife Where did our son go? -What son? *Dad cries with joy

@trevso_electric: Remember: tomorrow is TOPLESS TUESDAY no matter what human resources tells you.

@KalvinMacleod: If there's one thing children have taught me it's how to count down from 5 while pretending there's a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.

@jasonroeder: I don't think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we're both pointing at the same tornado.