@stephenjmolloy: Mugger: "Hand over your stuff! No funny business!" *I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*

@TragicAllyHere: Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware? Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware? M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa

@dragonsorbet: [Security breach at Wayne manor] BRUCE: *brooding darkly* ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall

@amyisforawesome: If you laid out all of the people in the world who were ever mean to me, I could then drive my car over them.

@joeyhuggles: I take all of my relationship advice from Animal Planet.