If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
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“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now