If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
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Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*