“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
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Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT