If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
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I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?