If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
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Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
Get off my horse you stupid moon
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.