If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
You Might Also Like
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
Hank is one in a melon.
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.