If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
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[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
My god she’s good.
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard