There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
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When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.