Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
You Might Also Like
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
Chicken bread
choose your gary
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that