If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
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“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
*lint rolls you awake*
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY