If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
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One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
I need to update my racial profile.
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.