If you had more money you’d be happier.
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[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
Shark week, but for squirrels.
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista