@TheTweetOfGod: If you had more money you'd be happier.
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@JennyJohnsonHi5: This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I'm the one who put him on a leash.
@daplusk: I want to meet someone who enjoys long walks along the beach, so I have enough time to sit at home alone and tweet
@_Tempo11: Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I'm pretending it's the sound of his body bag.
@XplodingUnicorn: I can fake my way through most conversations with my kids if I just look up from my phone every time they stop talking and say "no."