@TheTweetOfGod: If you had more money you'd be happier.
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@KeetPotato: [5 mins after seeing our neighbour's new boat] wife: "everything's a competition to you" me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] "no it's not"
@Lamalover2: Are you surprised at life in general or is that just the way you plucked your eyebrows?
@PaperWash: [First day as a private investigator] *Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound *Gets murdered
@baaabs_29: I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I'm like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.