If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
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I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Dance like you’re not the father
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed